Kryptonite was made to be a fictional word describing Superman’s weakness but today it is widely used in pop culture references/daily life to describe human temptation. Take a second and think about what your kryptonite may be. For my roommate, it is probably Taylor Swift. For my sister, it is most likely expensive makeup. For me, my kryptonite is running.
I joined the cross country team when I was a 6th grader in middle school and since then running has been a constant in my life. Throughout any range of emotions running has been there for me. It sounds silly to lean on something like running so emotionally because typically a person would rely on a friend or family member in this way. The fact is, my head space has always been clearer during or after a run and a surprising amount of decisions I have made, serious or light, have been decided a few miles in. From middle school to high school to college, running has brought me some of my most exciting memories. The people I met along my running journey have become some of my closest friends. You’d be surprised to know that the pain of running many long miles with a group seriously bonds people. Later in my running career, I even went as far as to run a couple of half marathons. The second of which I actually trained for after I was completely obliterated by the first. The feeling of finishing a long race put me on such a high that I couldn’t help contemplating signing up for a full 26.2 miles.
Today I am 23 years old and have not run more than two miles in the past four months. Two miles are rookie numbers for a long distance runner, but I was told to follow the doctor’s orders. If you are a runner you probably could guess that I have a bad case of runner’s knee. To elaborate this is where the muscles surrounding the knee cap have grown weak and need proper strengthening to continue the constant pounding of the pavement. I was sent to a physical therapist who told me to stick to treadmill running once a week. Usually people would listen to this request but I HAD to run at least three days a week.
Now this is the part of the story where you are probably thinking, “She shouldn’t be running” or “She should probably listen to doctor’s orders.” I knew I should take it easy but running was a part of my routine. It was so easy in the way that I didn’t need a gym membership, it got me out of the house, and I could pick the exact route I wanted to run. Aside from the ease of running, I had a mental dilemma to pair nicely with my kryptonite.
I always knew I had an issue with over-exercising. If I didn’t get some type of exercise every day of the week, I felt guilty. I would cancel plans with friends in fear of overconsumption and would get up ridiculously early after a late night out to get my workout in. I knew part of the reason for these thoughts were because of social media standards but the bigger reason was because of the negative body image language that was used by my cross country coaches. I was young and naive in thinking that these remarks wouldn’t leave an imprint on me but I think I buried these hurtful words deep down until very recently. In fact, my wake up call came soon after I started studying for a personal trainer certification. I saw the word dysmorphia on the page labeled “Disorders.” I did some searching on the Internet to take a deeper dive on this word and found that all of these characteristics of body dysmorphia sounded familiar. I never knew what I was feeling everyday for the last four years could be found on a singular google page. To this day, I am finding ways to combat the negative feelings that are carried within this disorder. It would be unfair not to give credit to my runner’s knee for helping me break out of my unhealthy habits. I never have been injured before but I think this setback was the only way I was going to be able to understand the severity of my issues and for this I am thankful for my little injury.
Runner’s knee didn’t cure me in any way mentally, but it taught me lessons that have helped me be less of a harsh critic towards myself. Now I know that taking a break from exercise is ok, that eating ice cream is ok, and that laying in bed for a few hours every once in a while is perfectly fine. However, there are some days I still struggle with taking a beat from exercise. I appreciate everything that running has given me, but I know I will always blame the sport for a lot of this internalized judgement it has embedded in me. Just like Superman, my kryptonite was not only a weakness but it turned out to be my downfall. Most women and men will struggle with body image issues at least once in their lives, but it is important to be easy on yourself and know that healing is a process. It has been a long process for me and it will have to be something I continuously work on. If you resonate with this blog post let me give you some advice. Don’t go out and get an injury before you figure out your problems because even though runner’s knee was a blessing in disguise, it still is a real bitch.
